Why I’m Scared, but more importantly, Why I’m Not Scared

Do you ever have those moments when you’re with the Lord and you know, without a doubt, that He is there and He starts teaching you some things about yourself that scare you just a little bit? And you’re like “God, you crazy.” That has been my life lately but I’m more afraid to share with the world exactly what it is that’s been scaring me, but I know I need to so here goes:

I’m bisexual. That’s not what scares me though.

What scares me is the number of friends I know I’ll lose, even though that makes me question if they are even friends worth keeping.

What scares me are the people who don’t understand the difference between “I’m attracted to more than one gender” and “I’m attracted to you” and the people who will constantly tell me to “just pick one” because of that. Don’t you think I would if I could? This would all be so much easier. I can’t do that though and that’s something I’ve accepted. These people have no place to not do the same.

What scares me is how often I have heard that people who aren’t straight are all destined for Hell with no chance for redemption, no matter how untrue that is. It’s so easy to misinterpret passages and I believe that’s what a lot of people have done.

I shouldn’t have to be afraid though. I’m not the one with a problem here, not really anyway. I feel sorry for those people; I can’t imagine how terrifying the world must be, living in it with such a closed mind. I don’t believe that this should separate me from the church in any way. The church that believes it should is not the church my Savior describes and it’s not the church I want to be a part of.

I know they need to be shown a love that understands us both and that brings us to why I’m not scared:

I know that God created me and He is not surprised by this any more than He is surprised by the way birds soar and flowers grow. I know that if I’m wrong about anything that comes with this realization, He will love me unconditionally. I know, without a doubt, that when my time comes He will be there to welcome me with open arms.

Ignorance is a result of the fall and there is no such thing as a God who hates.

If you take only one thing away from this, I pray with all my heart it’s that: There is no such thing as a God who hates.

Tell them of Life Abundant.

It took me a really long time to be at peace with telling people my thoughts. I was afraid of what people might think of me, dwelling on the thought of being thought poorly of. Fear ate away at my independence and I tried so hard to be just one of the crowd.

And then I eventually realized that it wasn’t working. There is no such thing as being just one of the crowd. I was created as an individual and that is what I will always be, whether that is something I want to be or not.

So I started speaking up. I started telling people of my anger. I started telling people of my humor. I started with what was the least important and that’s okay. It was important that I learned to speak up – it was important for me to use this to learn about myself, to make my voice more heard and I’m still learning how to do that, but I am also learning that there is so much more I need to tell.

Why have I forsaken what is most important in the things I tell?

So here is a reminder for myself, and for you if you need it, too:

Tell them of love everlasting.

Tell them of grace and all the ways we need it.

Tell them of hope that never fades.

Tell them they are worthy, they are important, they deserve all of the above, and they will always be remembered – their name will always be written in the book of life – and they will always be wanted.

Tell yourself the same. You need it just as much as they do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It Is Finished

Earlier this year I thought that starting was the hardest part for me. I said it was. I always had to put more thought into it. It just seemed that it was more work, but I always did it with no problem. As much as I tried to pride myself by saying it was hard it wasn’t. Starting never was. I just didn’t want to admit my faults.

The beginning of the story is perhaps where the most thought occurs, but it is also the easiest thought. I said that starting was the hardest part and then proceeded to not finish at all. Starting may be hard, but at least I can do that. I can’t end at all. Maybe the beginning is difficult sometimes, taking new steps and not knowing where your feet might land. But the end is even more terrifying. The end is the moment you realize that a new beginning is on its way. It’s the way my mind races as I attempt to figure out what to do next, where to go, how to seek hope – how to seek life from its very creator. It’s learning how to move on, how to let go of the old and wondering what the new might bring.

The end is the moment you take things away, when you’re supposed figure out what you’ve learned, when you realize that you can’t always do that. It’s seeing what has been set in front of you the entire time. Starting is thought, it floods my brain but it doesn’t matter nearly as much. Thinking about being vulnerable is not being vulnerable. Thinking about seeking my Savior is not the same as actually seeking Him. And, in truth, that’s what will always be the hardest for me, what I will always need to be reminded of over and over. It’s what will make me start again and again. The end is the hardest part to believe – that there’s nothing more I can do, nothing more I need to do.

It is finished.

And sometimes I just don’t know what to do with that.

 

 

 

 

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