Oh

I am not happy today. I am not sad, angry, excited – I can’t figure out how I feel today. I know I feel, I feel so so much. I feel the way my heart beat speeds up when I have to spend fifty dollars on various vitamins and supplements just to get rid of a cold that has been plaguing me for the past three months. I feel the way my hair just barely blows across my face when I am laughing and running outside with the best smalls I know. I feel the way my eyes water when I think about the things I regret most. I feel the pain from when I bite my finger out of stress and the relief from when I stop. I feel life and death, sin and redemption.

Oh to be loved by Jesus. Oh to be loved by Him. Oh to have joy and peace within. Oh to be loved by Him.

This hymn just started playing as I am typing this, like a small whisper saying “This is what you are feeling.” It’s funny how that happens, how as soon as I acknowledge that I don’t know something about myself I learn it. I feel love. I feel the way He provides so that I can get better. I feel the way He brings laughter and sunshine. I feel the way He forgives when I do not. I feel the way He brings hope, the way He chooses to be my Savior daily.

Oh to be loved by Jesus. Oh to be loved by Him. Oh to have joy and peace within.

There’s a certain way the sun shines sometimes that lights up everything and makes it impossible to see all at the same time, like I know of my surroundings but I feel blinded nonetheless. In these moments I know the world is beautiful. I don’t see it, I just know. And I am right, it is. These aren’t necessarily the moments of ecstatic happiness or passionate anger or necessarily anything in between. These are the moments of joy, when my soul tastes the breath of its Savior and it moves through every fiber of my being.

Oh to be loved by Jesus. Oh to be loved by Him.

It’s sweet, the way it feels when my heart sings that Oh. It’s relief, a long journey ending, a coming home. It’s relaxation and excitement all at the same time. It’s my soul dancing around and staying still at the same time because I am free and I grow, but I don’t float away like I always feared I would when storms approached. It is my anchor. It is the way I am inhaling His Spirit and the way I pray it will move. So no, maybe I am not happy today. Maybe I can’t pinpoint any sort of deep emotion, but I can find joy. That’s what there is today. I don’t have a great conclusion or a verse handy to share that would connect all of this in the way a pretty ribbon completes a gift. I don’t have a call to action or anything of the sort. There is joy and there is peace and today, that has to be enough.

Oh to have joy and peace within. Oh to be loved by Him.

 

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