Blue

I have an unwanted talent of making everything way more complicated than it needs to be.

I don’t understand Abram. I don’t understand how he was able to make the things that are so complicated for me seem so simple.

The Lord had said to Abram, “Go…” So Abram went.

That’s it. The Lord had said to Abram “Go,” so Abram went. He didn’t stop to pray about it or ask God if He is sure.

I can’t decide what color the sky is. I have this need to choose a specific shade of blue, as though it’s even my decision to make.

I’ve always been a little colorblind.

I am jealous of Abram. It doesn’t feel right. It stings my soul and it terrifies me, not because it turns me into someone I’m not, but because it shows who I am in my most broken state.

God says “Go,” so I stop. I look up at Him and plead “Are you sure?”

Go. But will you be there?

Go. But will you remember?

I have set my rainbow in the clouds.

A rainbow could not be a rainbow without all of the colors. It’s big and bright and always just out of reach. And when God set the rainbow in the sky that was life. It was big and bright and always just out of reach. We took away some of its colors – all of its colors – until it ceased to be a rainbow.

When God set the rainbow in the sky He promised to remember us. He will remember; I will forget.

I’ll look at the rainbow God has given me and I’ll take it. For a while I’ll try to keep it safe, but then I’ll let it get ripped apart. I’ll strip it of its color, of its beauty. That precious rainbow will be no more, murdered at my hand, and I will always need my Daddy to put it back together. The rainbow can’t be trusted in my hands.

When it breaks, I break. When its colors are stripped, so are mine. The rainbow cannot be when I am the one attempting to place it in the sky. That’s why I need You.

I need You to recognize the difference between who I was and who I am. I won’t always see it.

I need You because You know who I am and I don’t.

I need You because you love me when I don’t even understand what love means.

I need You because I have no words and you write them for me.

I need You because I will always forget and You will always remember.

I need You to paint the sky with your majesty. I need You to paint me like I never could.

I’ve always been a little colorblind.

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